she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
