i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
3 2 1 whiskey
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
