she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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