There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Bring me that man meat
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
