What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
