Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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