Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
