he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
