Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
