12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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