I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize