I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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