Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
