Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize