My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
