i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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