yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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