I could have mohawked her pubes.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She's the barista slut.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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