So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
