3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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