this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
