Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
