4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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