it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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