Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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