At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
