Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
