I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
