my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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