I cannot find my penis.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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