Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
