I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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