not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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