If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
