Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The struggles of a small town man whore
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
