i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
