I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
