my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
