he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize