life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My vagina is officially offended.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
