if you like me you must not know who I am
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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