I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize