After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
