alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize