People in love make me want to vomit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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