yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
