Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
