I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
