Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
