what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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