Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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