The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
