btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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