brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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