How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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