I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
