So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
