The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
