ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
