I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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