what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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