true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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