The brown eye won't let me do that either.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
