Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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