Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
