did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize