having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
