Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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