This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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