Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
