i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I had to cum in my sink.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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