I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
